I Caused This
by YourEyesHoldTheGalaxy
Summary: In which Dan misses Phil, but Phil will never be able to return, and Dan feels guilty. /However, he would never come back. And that was all on me./


I Caused This

Type: Angst, Fluff, Cliché, and I'm so sorry in advance.

Word Count: 1419

AN: This is my first Phan one shot so please don't hate too much. I tried. If you have any suggestions as to other one shot for either phan or zalfie I'll be glad to try. Just send them in my ask box. Okay enjoy, hopefully.

*Dan's POV*

I turned the camera on once it was in its usual position angled towards the middle of his brightly colored bed spread. I hit the record button and lowered myself into frame. I took a deep breath. _You can do this,_ it's _going to be okay._

"Hey guys" I say with little enthusiasm and a little wave. I realize what I have just done my face falls as does my heart. Why would I do this to myself, I was already in too much pain. I being to sob slightly, and then remember the purpose of this video and lose myself into a deep painful cry that seemed to have been stored for far too long. _You caused this, all of it, the whole thing it's your own fault. You caused this._ It's true. I caused it.

~~~~~FlashyBacko~~~~~

It was early in the morning and I had just woken up, Phil was in the Living room turning on the fire due to the subzero temperature that lingered in the flat. I was in the kitchen making us some pancakes for breakfast, when the time came, however, to add in the milk, I realized I didn't have enough.

"Shit" I cursed under my breath resenting myself slightly for not checking to see beforehand.

"Sorry, what did you say, I couldn't hear." Phil said tiredly as he entered the kitchen.

"We are out of milk, I don't have enough to finish the pancakes." I stated with a bit of anger and he giggled in reply.

"I'll go out and get some then. Will that make you happy?" He asked inching forward so he could wrap his arms around my waist from behind. I couldn't help but smile slightly as his breath hit my neck as he rested his chin on my shoulder.

"Yeah I guess." I stated stubbornly, but with a smile prominent on my face, surely exposing my dimple.

"Okay, I'll go pick us up some then." He said turning me around and planting a quick kiss onto my lips. "I'll be back soon. I love you." He said grabbing his flat keys, phone, and wallet, stuffing them into his cookie monster pajama pants.

"Hurry back, Love you!" I yelled just as he shut the door behind him. I smiled fondly at my wonderful boyfriend.

~~~~~~End of Flashback~~~~~~

However, he never would come back. And that was all on me. That was the last interaction we had, and his last interaction with anyone really. And why? Because I screwed up, I caused it all.

I rushed back into the moment and realized I was lying on his bed with my planted into his pillows holding Lion. He hardly ever slept in here other than when I was sick or vice a versa. It still smelled of him though. As I inhaled deeply, my tears still rushing out of my eyes, I fall deeper into despair as I realize he won't be coming home ever again. And I'm the one that caused it.

I sat up after remembering the original purpose of why I was in here. I look up into the camera, and decided then that I couldn't edit this, so it will have to go up as raw footage. I quickly wipe away my tears. They still had no idea.

"Um, sorry about that." I say quietly. "This video is, um, a, is, one, that I-I um, never wanted to make." I stuttered through. "Phil is" I pause as I feel my stomach tinge at the mention of his name, my heart burst in a mix of emotions that range for love to hate to remorse to grateful. "he is, um, he's no longer," I break again having tears cascading down my cheeks, but I carry on, dreading the words I know I have to say. The words I so badly want to be false. "with us." I add silently. "I miss him so much." I wipe away the tears that won't stop coming. "You have no idea how amazing and wonderful he was. He didn't deserve this. He should still be here." _He should._ "I loved him more than I can even comprehend. He made me who I am. He was part of me. And now-now I'm missing part of me." I pause and wipe away the cascading tears and inhale with little gasps. "I'm sorry I had to make this announcement." I say quietly. "He really loved you all." I had lost any grasp on what to say. "I might upload again on his channel in the future." I say dreading thinking about not having Phil be with me through it all, as I know no one but he could make a hurt like this go away, then again no one could cause a hurt like this other than him. "Bye guys." I say, trying to sound light hearted. I get up and pressed the record button once more stopping the camera from recording and then turn off the camera. I get the camera off the tripod and haul it into the longue where I open my computer and login. As my computer logs in, my tears start to harden on my face, making it feel tight and gross. I removed the sd card from the slot in the camera and slid it into my laptop. I open the folder once I slid into my sofa crease which I would give up because it no longer feels as content as Phil's arms would. I open the camera's file to find that Phil had recorded something that he hadn't posted onto youtube yet. I clicked on the video, already regretting it as my heart ached when I saw his face.

"Hey Dan! So this is Phil, obviously you would know that by looking at this video wouldn't you. Okay anyway, where was I going again? Oh yeah. So Dan, you know how much I love you so I decided that I'd make us a little video telling all the cute memories we had together. I know you like these kind of things and I thought with the book coming out soon it might be nice and all. Okay I'm rambling I need to stop. Okay were to start." Phil said as I began to cry he listed out all of our precious moments some of which only he and I shared others that everyone knew about. He spoke of deep skype calls way back in 2009 and little midnight kisses. He spoke of first fights and first dates. He spoke of vacations and jokes and our love. He was smiling ear to ear throughout the whole video. It ended with him saying how lucky he was too have me and that he was glad that I had liked him so much to have fangirled over him. He ended with "I love you so much Dan Howell." I could no longer produce tears. I felt ill. I quickly exited out of the video and looked at when it was recorded. A day prior to it happening. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. I caused this. I caused all my pain, all of it. I'm the reason he's gone. I was starting to see all black, my vision going in and out.

"Dan, Honey are you okay, what's wrong?" My eyes shot open and I quickly gathered my thoughts as I peered around the room. Phil's room. It was dark outside, I quickly remember how I was woke and peer at the figure lying next to me. His piercing blue eyes staring up at me. I smile and feel the tightness in my face. "You were crying Dan, is everything alright?"

I lean down and plant a kiss on his lips, confirming that this is the real world, no dreaming. I pull away still smiling. "I'm perfect, just had a bad dream." I say as I sink back down into the bed, pressing my bare back into his bare chest as he wraps his arms around us, entwining our fingers.

"Want to talk about it?" He asks softly breathing down into my shoulder. My heart begins to slow it's pace and my mind being to forget the dream, now only able to call something about pancakes and milk.

"No, it's not real. This. _This_ is real." I say closing my eyes falling to sleep slowly feeling his chest rising and falling in time with mine, knowing full and well, that he'll be here to scare away the nightmares.


End file.
